The “root” of all evil

dspeedy:

This story/review is about Amy and what lead up to season 8
and where they are ½ way through the season. 
I am going to use Amy’s point of view to talk about how she sees all
that has happened.  I feel that the Amy
has a love of life, need to get things fixed no matter the cost and a naïve trust
of everyone that tends to get her into trouble.  But most important it talks about a problem we all have to come
to grips with in life.  This story is set
up by a plot line in 709 I hope you enjoy.

…………….

Lou has started a blog and now some lady wants to publish
it.  Ty and I have found the ranch that
we really would love to have and it has given us new hope as we move on to the
next chapter in our lives. 

The Lou thinks that her blog needs a little spicing up so
she begins to tell us about it at the table and dad as usual takes a dig at Ty
and it hurt a lot.  He made TY feel that he could not give me the things that he wanted to give me.  I followed him to the truck and as he always
does he tried to act tough to hide how much he hurt.  Then he made a promise that I know he meant
but I also know that will be hard to keep, for a while any.   

As he drives off I get a phone call from Adrian the princes
head groom.  He says that the prince wants
me to call him.  I just ignore it but
soon I get another, demanding I call him. 
I don’t even respond and go about my business.    The
next day as I am working with Spartan the prince shows up, how he knew where to
find me I am not sure but he did, and he asked me to come take a look at a
horse he had bought and he was having trouble with.   Since he came in person this time I agreed
to go with him. 

As I watched Adrian trying to work with the horse I could
see how unruly he was and had my doubts about the horse.  Ahmed told Adrian to let me try and that did
not make me feel so good and it put me on the spot.   I
tried something different with the horse and it worked and while I felt good
about it at the same time I felt bad for Adrian.   

The prince drove me home and when I got out of the car he asked
me to continue working with his horse and give me a very large check to do
so.  I showed Ty and asked him what I
should do and told him that I was afraid of what Adrian would think, Ty, as he
always seems to do, leaves it up to me.  I told him we could use the check as a down
payment on the place.  This is the
beginning of a where our relationship took a back seat to money and down a road
that as I look back on it makes me wish we had never found that ranch.    

The next night after I had had a bad day working with the
horse and dealing with Adrian I could have used a little empathy I received
none.  I could tell Ty had something on
his mind I thought maybe he had also had a bad day or maybe he did not want me
working for Ahmed.  What came out though
was that he wanted to be the one that earned the money for the down payment on
the place!   I was angry with him and stomped off and left
Ty on the porch as I slammed the door behind me.  The next day I had a good day working with
the Princes horse and I was thankful and told the prince how his gift had
inspired me.  I liked the prince he was
kind to me, and always had time to walk and talk with me.  Time something that Ty and I had not had a
lot of lately and his comment last night was still running through my mind. 

That night I was still angry with Ty not thinking of anyone
but myself not seeing that Ty wanted more than anything to provide for me because
of how he had seen his mother treated, and my dad’s words had not helped
either.  I was helping Georgie with a
poultice and not even talking with Ty, but
putting him down to her knowing he could hear but not really caring as I
wanted to hurt him as he had me.  As Ty
walked by and said he had to go study, I received a phone call and had to go to
settle down the prince’s horse.  Ty and I
got into an argument about it because he did not want me to go but I insisted
and left Ty to finish my work with Georgie. 
The rest is as we say is history I had the accident.

After my recovery I heard my family talking about how the
Prince had done so much for me.  I now
realize that I had taken for granted that Ty was the only one who stood up for
what I wanted.  He showed me that I was
stronger than what I thought, he made me follow through and get back on my
feet.    The prince came by and said that
he was going to have the horse that had hurt me destroyed and I did not even
care.  It was Ty who helped me through it,
he even saved Ahmed’s horse and probably me by bringing him to HL forcing me to
deal with him.  The Prince gave me a hug
when he left and I saw him as a friend and he offered me a job again anytime I
wanted. 

I got back on my feet and began to work with horses again
but work did not come to me as it had before. 
Lou even set up a clinic for me and I only had a few people show
up.  Ty had seen this and now he was
taking on more and more work.  And it
began to affect his school.  Dad of
course was pushing me to go back to work for the prince.  And it was working because I saw how hard Ty
was working and what it was costing him health and school wise Ty told me he
had to because he had to earn the money for the down payment and I said that I
was not earning anything now.   

When the prince called me I went over to his place and he
made me an offer that was hard to refuse! 
Though business was now picking up and I had people calling me to work
with their horses again thanks to Lou’s blog.  I went to Ty as I was beginning to see again
how much we really loved one another and was thankful for what he meant to
me.  Ty was still putting himself under
pressure and the thought of me going back to work for the prince was more than
he could stand so he went out and took a chance on a horse.  I was mad at him not because he had bought
the horse because he could have earned his money back by reselling him later
but because he did not ask me first, as I had done with him about the job.  My anger set in again and I set up an
appointment and took the job without telling Ty using the excuse that I had to
because Ty had used up “our” money on a stupid horse! 

I had to help Ty even though I was still upset with him and
put my job on the line in doing so.  When
we won the race Ty now had firm footing and wanted to tell me something.  I was so happy for him but also I had never
really gotten over what Ty had done and though I had done pretty much the same to
him in taking the job I put Ty between a rock and a hard place.  I see that now that I look back at it, when I
told him that the prince had asked me to come with the team on tour.  Ty could only say one thing because if he
asked me not to I would have gone anyway, because I think I just needed to show
him that I could do it.  Besides now Ty
had money and the money I could make on tour would allow us to buy the place we
wanted and then everything would be all better. 
I completely forgot about Ty wanting to tell me something as well when I
had walked in, something I would regret later. 

As I walked out to the Helicopter with Ahmed I realized I
was living a dream.  I told them all that
I would keep in contact and see them all really soon so I was happy. I was off
on an adventure and though I should have been frightened because this was my
first really big trip alone I was really looking forward to it.   As we
were flying away I marveled as this was my first time seeing heartland from the
air.  It was so beautiful and the prince
then said that he had made Ty a promise that he would take care of me.  I was so thankful for that and happy that Ty had agreed, maybe he was growing up a little after all. 

This trip was such a hurried thing that I had not really had
time to think about little lone pack for the things that I would
encounter.  Really I did not have
anything that in my closet that I could have worn most of the time.  Ahmed told me about the parties and meeting
people and I told him that I was not prepared for that.  He said not to worry about that because as
part of my job I would be provided working clothes and whatever else I might
need and he reminded me that there are stores in Europe as well.  He was always saying things to make me smile
and feel good about myself. 

At the airport the Prince and I went to his private jet and
off we flew to France.  Wow I never knew
anything like this before in my life.  We
sat and talked about what was expected of me and where we would be training.  It was a wonderful conversation that was
ended only by us landing in Paris.  We
were met by a car and driven to the Princes house.  He said I live here alone and there is a
whole wing upstairs that I would like you take as your home while here in
France.  He said good night and had a
servant take me to me to my room. 

There on the table was a large bouquet of flowers and there
was a silk night gown and a robe lying across the foot of the bed.  He has thought of everything!   I enjoyed a long hot bath and then went to bed
and fell fast asleep.  The next morning I
found my clothes from the day before clean and folded neatly by my bed.  I hardly recognized my old boots as they
looked better than the first day that I had bought them.  I heard a knock on the door and the servant
informed me that Ahmed was waiting for me.

We had a wonderful breakfast of French pastries and coffee
like I had never tasted and then the Prince said that we needed to go check on
the horses.   Again a car came and took
us to the stables and we checked on all the horses and when I said they all
looked good he took me to my office.  Ahmed
said that a tailor would be by soon to fit me for my uniforms.  And though this was all new to me I thought
nothing of it because I trusted Ahmed.  I
went along with a big smile thinking how much this was different than anything
that I knew at home. 

That evening boxes were delivered to the house and the
prince told me they were my clothes.  I
said already,  it was only this morning
that I gave them my measurements.    I
dug into them like a child at Christmas wanting to see the new uniforms.  To my surprise the first one I opened had a
beautiful dress in it.  Wow I said never
thought my uniform would look like this! 
Ahmed smiled and told me that he had a few things picked out for me to
wear when I was not playing the part of a trainer.  I did not have the heart to tell him that I
did not wear dresses, well hardly ever.   Ahmed told me that we had a dinner where we
were  to meet with some people about the
tour.  He asked me to wear the dress and,
shoes and jewelry he had picked out for me so we could go.  I don’t know if it was the clothes or the
fact that he had thought about all of the small things that made me feel so
special. 

Dinner was a meal; I can never begin to tell you what that
was like. They brought out a bottle of wine to toast the deal that they made
and I felt like I needed to be part of that and I found that I enjoyed this
wine.  After they had left the prince and
I went to a show, it was here I began to see how the people involved in the
tour at this level lived.  I felt out of
place so I laughed and made jokes about their manners and looks.  I remarked of how they seemed to be so
standoffish towards people who they saw as not as good as they.  I did not realize that I had begun a journey
down that same road.

A week had gone by and my days were full, training horses
and my nights were spent going to dinner parties and seeing the sights of
France.  Then I realized that I had not
called my family to even let them know I had arrived safely.   I called home and had a nice talk with
Grandpa as he was the only one up.  I had
forgotten there was a 9 hour time difference and since it was so late I asked
him to tell Ty that I had called and was fine and would contact him soon.  

Later that day I called Ty and he was happy to hear from me
but I could tell that something was also bothering him.  He tried to just say he was tired but I had
heard that line before and knew that something was wrong.  What I did not know was that Ty was trying to
graduate early had taken on a horse business with Caleb to try and be able to
begin to support me by raising money for the ranch.  Maybe because I never asked!    I
tried to cheer him up by telling about all I was doing and the great time I was
having and that seemed to make him even more distant then Ahmed called and said
he needed to see me so I said good bye.  I was at a loss as to why Ty was not happy to
hear from me and about all the stuff I was doing.  Calls became less and less frequent and  I did not call much just sent texts that I
knew he would not see for a while and if I did call it was just to say hello
and I made them when I knew I only had a short time to talk because it was so
awkward.  Guess we had never really
learned to talk and now at a distance that was magnified.  No matter Ahmed and my new friends keep me
plenty busy and we could talk when I got home. 

The tour went well and I told Ahmed that I needed to go back
to HL and so he threw me a party.  I was
getting ready to go to the party when I heard the familiar knock on the door
every night at the same time there was the knock and there would be flowers for
my room.  On this occasion Ahmed had sent
a note telling me how much he would miss me and thanking me for my work.  As I finished dressing I thought about all
that I had seen and had been able to experience because of Ahmed.  I now had friend s from all over the world people
and they were talking to me a little girl from Canada about maybe working for
them on one of their horses.  I could
just see the money flowing in on top of the 6 figure salary that I was already
getting from the Prince and could not wait to tell Ty.  When I had greeted my friends at the party I
heard Ahmed call my name and as I looked at him I did noy know
how to start to thank him for all he had done for me.  And as if that was not enough he had become
my closest friend. 

After dinner as we sat around
talking the prince gave me a necklace it was so beautiful and since the party
was my going away and my team members were there I took it as being from
them.  The prince was always the spokesman
for them and as I thought about it I did not really know them.  I had helped them with their horses and we
had done well and they thanked me but that was about all.  But that was the way it was with the prince. 

As we sat next to each other on
the couch I realized how much I was going to miss his friendship and our long
talks.  He assured me that I was going to
see him soon and to remember I maybe going back to Canada but I was still in
his employment.  We laughed the night
away and as we talked our eyes met and I was lost in the moment then felt his
lips on mine and I did not know what to do! 
I pulled away and then informed him that I was engaged and he looked at
me and said he was sorry. 

My mind was now going a hundred
miles an hour I was transported back to the time when Chase and I had
kissed.  Was this like that did I have
feelings for the prince.  No I told
myself I would not go there I was headed home and this would soon be behind me. 

The next day I saw Ahmed and he
was again the perfect gentleman and again said how sorry he was.  He told me leave the family a message and tell
them that I did not need a ride as he had arranged one.  I was not thinking about how much my family
was looking forward to seeing me and never realized that they wanted to meet me
at the airport.   He took me to the plane and told me to take a
few days off before I went back to work. 
He was always a friend, always thinking about me.  It allowed me to leave with a smile on my
face looking forward to working with him again. 

When I arrived at home there was no one at HL when I got
there.   I realized that it had changed and it was not
as I remembered it, not realizing that it was mostly I who had changed!  I now dressed different, I looked at things differently,
my actions were different but I wanted to be accepted as the Amy who had left
not the Amy who had come back.  When I
saw Ty my heart raced, I went to him threw my arms around him!  When we touched everything that had happened
in Europe and the party flooded my mind. 
I was here in Ty’s arms but had this feeling of who is this man!   I had
hardly spoken to or thought of in all these months and I was scared.  He had become a stranger in my arms and that
with my guilt caused me to not be able to look him in the eye or kiss him.  I still struggle with that sometimes because
I never meant to hurt Ty and yet I know I have.

We had worked through most of the awkward stuff and I saw a
new man in Ty he was now a business man as well as a student and seemed to be
doing pretty well at it.  There are problems
at work and Ty looks as me and says he is leaving because there is no trust,  this hits me and I begin to again think about
Europe and pull away.  I am
mortified!  Does he know something?  I begin to pick his words to me apart putting
in them meaning that I would have if I were in Ty’s place.  It does not help that the prince keeps
sending me gifts.  Whenever Ty asks about
a gift I take it as he is accusing me of having done something to receive the gift or
having something going with Ahmed. 

Then when I begin to think things are getting better Georgie
and Lou begin to be standoffish.  When I
press Lou she shows me the video.  I am
so angry first I have to tell Lou that nothing is going on, then I am angry
that someone filmed it and put it on the internet.  I did not even think for a moment that what
had happened was wrong or even looked wrong because I knew the truth as I saw
it.

 I think that it is
all behind us because I called Ahmed and told him that I quit.  I gave back his gifts and told Ty that I had
quit.  I was somewhat surprised how happy
he was that I did not have a job now. 
Yet we took out the truck that Ahmed had given me before I turned it in
and I asked Ty if he felt good about leaving Scott.  What he said next caused a chill to come over
me and I was glad that he was driving and could not see my face.  He stated again how it was about trust and if
you don’t have trust what do you have.

Things have progressed well and I was now happy though I know
that there is a video out there of Ahmed and I kissing.  I am still angry at the person who put that
video out there because it will cause me problems I am afraid.  But Lou will not tell and Ty does not hang
around with anyone who would see it so it should be ok.  Ty and I are really getting closer now I
can’t wait to get up and go over and see him. 
One morning we are kissing and I really want to just spend time with him
but he has to go to work.  As I ride
Spartan home Ty drives alongside me on the road.  I am where I want to be and am looking
forward to seeing Ty later at home.

Then there he is! 
Ahmed rides up and I ask him what he is doing there.   I tell him again that I quit and he asks why
I would not want to work for him and I tell him he knows why. He asks if he can
ride home with me and for some reason I agree to let him come.  When I get home my dad is there he sees $ signs
and invites Ahmed to dinner and I am horrified! 
The prince says he cannot stay though and I can breathe again.    

The next day the prince shows up again and asks me to go
with him to a horse auction.  I ask if I
can bring Ty but when I call him he is not able to go.  So I am driving with Ahmed and he takes me to
this beautiful home and tells me how he loves me.  I am surprised but then again I am not but I
tell him that we are friends and nothing more and that I love Ty.  He takes me home and I tell Lou and Georgie
hears and is so sorry that she had ever seen the video and takes the
blame. 

That night when we are getting ready to have supper in walks
my dad with the prince.  Dad is his usual
self pushes and pushes me to go back to work for the prince.  I tell him I can’t though he keeps pushing
until Ty steps in and says that is my decision that is it.  The prince starts to talk and then Georgie
gets upset and says something to the prince and then leaves.  The prince puts me in an awkward position
when Ty insists that the Prince tell him what is going on.  I make a mistake and say I ended our
relationship wrong choice of words and then the Prince leaves.  Ty has found out in the worst possible way
that the prince said he loves me and there is nothing I can do about it.  I am completely at a loss for words.   As the prince leaves Ty says to me secrets
Amy always these damn secrets.  I try to
deflect what I see as the problem and say there was nothing going on.  Ty says were you going to tell me about this
nothing and gets a phone call and leaves. 

The next day Ty brings a horse by for Georgie and she tells
him about the video before I get the chance I am feeling so bad about the night
before because of how Ty found out. 
There was nothing to it and I guess he was so upset because of the
prince saying he loved me.  But I know
now that he also needed to see the video so that it would all be out in the
open.  I knew he would be hurt but I had
to show him so I could get it out there and we could move on.  He watched the video though he said he did
not want to see it.  He was angry and
just shut the computer when it was done. 
He did not say a thing about the kiss the way I thought he would he just
said that I had changed.  I had become a
party girl who was interested in helping the rich and not the girl he had
fallen in love with and kissed me and walked out. 

Why would he do that? 
I had told him how much I love him I had given back the things the
prince had given me and quit my job what more does he want.  I worried and cried most of the night and
wanted so bad for him to come through the door of my bedroom and hold me like
he did after my accident  I had to believe
he was just angry about the kiss though walking out was not his way, that was
something I did.  I figured that he would
get over it in a couple of days and we would work it out as we always did.  When he did not call me I decided that I
needed to go see him.  I rode over to his
place but Caleb pulled up before I did and I headed back home. 

I went over and over in my mind what could make him not even
want to call me. I was not going to call him because he is the one who had
left.  Finally I did leave him a text; he
called me back and shared what he had done that day.  But when I rode up and listened to the
message I commented on how it sounded like he was doing well.  Awkward silence again so I rode off. 

Did he not know that
I had gone to Europe to make it possible to buy the ranch?  Of how I had to sacrifice time away from my
family just so we could do what we wanted to do.  Somehow the prince had gotten the wrong idea
about our relationship.  To me we were
just good friends and I could not see anything that I had done to make him see
it as otherwise.  Though when I look back
I see how everything I did said I wanted that kiss, though it was never my
intent.  Why are guys always hitting on
me? 

I knew he would call me but he never did we saw each other a
few times and he seemed to be looking for me to say something and I don’t even
know where to start.  I know he does not
want to hear me say that there was nothing going on, but there wasn’t so what
else can I say.  Then one day out of the
blue after he starts a fight and gets thrown into jail he calls me to bail him
out.  What is this all about?  I chew him out and tell him to never call me
again.  Now I am angry with him because
he did not call me to thank me for picking him up.  I have had it if he is not going to accept me
as I am then I don’t need him.  I can do
anything I want and I don’t need Ty.

Now all of a sudden my family after not saying a thing
chimes in and says that I need to work on the relationship.  No I don’t! 
Grandpa received a phone call about helping an old friend up at Pike
River save some wild horses.  So off we
went when I got there I was reminded about a time when Ty and I had come here
to save some horses.  Why was this so
hard I had moved on even taken the ring off and it even felt right doing so? I even
told Grandpa that work was no place for a diamond ring but I know he saw right
through what I said. I was me again I had no cares no one to bring me down I
could just do what I loved working with horses and try and save them.  Then it all came tumbling down again, dad
pulled up with Ty. 

Now I am really angry at Dad, Grandpa, and Ty even though
two of the three did not see this coming. I want to move on I want to get on
with my life and dad has just messed it all up. 
When we hear about the horses I get upset but Ty gets even more
upset.  I remember why I loved this man
but that is “LOVED” and I asked Grandpa to help keep me a safe distance from
him.  I am staying in the house where Ty
and I stayed while we were there,  again
memories flood my mind.

Though I wanted to keep my distance it seems that every time
I turn around he is there.  He watches me
take on the man who wants to cull the horses. 
And tells me how proud of me he is. 
Then he drives me out to Wills place that is a long short drive as we
don’t have anything to say to each other, nothing new there as we have not
talked for months.  I see the wild horses
and go out and sit near them and one of the mares comes up to me.  I look over my shoulder and see Ty he is
standing there with a smile that takes up his whole face.  Why does he do this to me?  I want so much to,  not going there it is over I will just enjoy
my time with the horses.  Then Ty slowly
comes out into the field and the horses are spooked away.  I am upset but yet I know that he loves these
horses as much as I. 

He asks me if I wanted to go riding, I do but not so sure I
want to with him but I agree as I need to clear my head and nothing does that
like a good ride.  We ride and even in
the silence I remember our long rides and what they meant to me.  I do not understand the human mind right now
I want to flee from Ty and yet at the same time I want to run to him and fall
into his arms.  While we are out we see
the pen that has been set up to capture the horses and we go back to tell
Will. 

The next day Ty and I over hear Matt talking about the cull
and he shows the permit.  We go out to
tell Will but he is not there.  I tell Ty
that we have to go to the pen and so we saddle up the horses and off we
go.  I can feel the adrenalin rushing
through me as I head towards the pen at a full gallop.  Ty and I get there just in time to see Will
cut the chain on the gate we go in to chase out the horses as Matt shows up and
fires his gun.  Out go the horses and we
are in hot pursuit.   Chasing them away
from the pen I am both excited and afraid at the same time.  We soon find a place to stop and let the
horses settle in.  As we watch the horses
I begin to realize how much I loved being with Ty and helping the horses I look
at him and he stares back at me and then kisses me hard maybe harder than any
time in our relationship as though he could not get close enough to me.  I melt into the kiss want more this is where
we are supposed to be.  Then the siren
and the MP show up and we are taken off. 

Even being arrested is ok because I now have Ty back.  I can begin to feel whole again, or can
I?  Very soon after that kiss Ty begins
to pull away again after getting out of jail we have a talk and I finally have
to ask what do you want Ty?  He tells me
and I am completely taken back almost like starting all over in the barn.  I am back trying to figure out how this all
started and what I need to do about it. 
At least this time no one is running away and just maybe we will be able
to figure this out. 

From what Ty has said I now begin to see that we were both
blinded by a goal that took over our relationship. He wanted to provide for me
and I wanted to show that I could take care of my part as well.   Then I began to think I could take care of
the finances for both of us by working for Ahmed.  We had taken our good goals and let the
desire of the money to make that happen become the most important part of who
we were.  We had let desire of the money
drive us apart, then thought the only way to get the other back was by getting
more money.

As I stood there staring at Ty I was beginning to see that
relationship and most importantly Ty’s relationship was what was really
important.  Without that, all the money
in the world would not make me happy and I think that Ty feels the same
way.  Healing can now begin as we get
back to what we were meant to do.  Love
one another, help out those in need, human and animal and let life’s rewards,
money, success, family come as part of the flow of our lives.  If we can do that then happiness will have
found us again.  Only then can we move
forward with our lives and be what we are meant to be a part of the HL family
and carry on what 6 generations before us had done. 

I have thought long and hard about what the answers to Amy’s
question at the river could or should have been and the same with Ty so here is
my answers for both to Amy question.

 What do you
want? 

From Ty’s mouth

I said it before but I was wrong to act without
talking with you first.

I was wrong for not telling you that I had made
an appointment for the next day to make a down payment on the farm after we won
the race.

I was wrong for not telling you that we were
more important than what either of us wanted separately no matter how great it
might be. And that I wanted to work on us before you left for Europe.

 I was wrong for not pushing harder from my end
of trying to make daily contact while you were away.

Mostly I was wrong to walk away without giving
you all the reasons that I was doing so.

I am not sorry that we took the break because we
needed to see that either we loved each other as we are or we needed to move
on.  I never doubted your love of me just
that you wanted to share that love in the same way that I did.  That it was more important to you than
anything else in your life.  

From
Amy’s mouth

 I am
sorry that I let you feel that you needed to provide the ranch for us when I
was not getting any work.

I am sorry that I reacted the way I did and took
the job with Ahmed without talking to you. 

 I am sorry that I did not tell you before the
race that Ahmed had asked me to go on tour, and that later I did not show the
same interest in what you wanted to tell me when I did tell you about the tour.

I am sorry that I left and did not keep in
contact with you as I said I would.

 I am sorry that I let things get to the place in
our relationship that I was not able to share with you what was happening in my
life. 

 I am grateful though that I was able to go to
Europe and experience the things that I did. 
I liked being there and doing and seeing the things I did.  I wish that I had been more open in sharing
those things in my life.

 I am sorry things I did that allowed Ahmed to
think it was ok to kiss me!  I did not do
a good job of making sure that he could not go there.  If I of stayed in contact with you I could
have talked more about you and home and told him all about what you were doing
and then maybe he would have seen how much in love with you I am. 

I am sorry that I felt I could not tell you
about the kiss!  I wish we could go back
and change something I said when we first started liking each other from.  “Words are under rated”  to “lets strive to make sure we talk more”.

 I am
sorry that I kept secrets.  I mean that without
any “but you” this time.

I am sorry that I always try and defend or just
deny my wrong doings by deflecting or just being silent and walking away.

I am sorry that I did not try harder to contact
you or see how much you were hurting after the break and how it was my fault. 

 I am sorry that I took off the ring because I
was going to show you and anyone else that would see it was not there that I
was though with us. 

Most of all I am sorry for not being able to
share myself with you.  I locked my feeling
away behind an emotional wall after mom died because I wanted to be strong and
never wanted to be hurt again. I never let anyone come inside, not even
you.  But I have learned and as long as
the wall is up I will never really be able to love or be loved.  I am asking you to help me to overcome and
tear down that wall.  Then we can stand
strong in our love, invincible to every adverse thing that could ever try and
come between us.